Look at my heart, bleeding without you
Seething or seemingly so.
Look at my soul under this madness
I'll cradle the sadness and bleed by myself.

But no,  I see no tears
And I harbor no feelings that wash out the taste.
But no, I feel nothing fleeting
I'm not afraid of the feeling that seems so imposing.

I'll try, like I keep entorage with the skies
While they melt into red and orange
I camoflage myself
I blanket myself

Nothing will keep me, I'm lost in the feeling
If the stride stays true, tomorrow I'm hewn
Stone and and ember, burning December
Skies and clouds all around

This romance, the old dance
Step turn while I learn the new way
Step sway, turn lean
I seethe, but tomorrow I'll learn

Tomorrow I'll stay
Tomorrow I'll burn
If it goes all the same.

To start, I take a deep breath.
No nicotine fills my lungs, and I don't feel any less for it.

I did buy another pack - Crushes, but I think I have them more for the enjoyment of stress relief when I feel the Crunch sound of the menthol ball exploding inside the filter.

I know I said - this pack, and I'm done.  But I don't know if my body is done.  I'm not worried.  Everything in time, and I'm sure there are worse way to go.

I look at my body.  A myriad of bruises litter my skin, pimples and peach fuzz.

Chris came home on Wednesday, and I didn't get much chance to catch up with him.  Just a hug and a smile, but I'm not worried about it.  I'm glad he's back.  For his and Rachel's sake.

Heidi's mom is getting worse.  Refusing to eat, refusing to go to group.

I shift, cracking anything that will willingly give.  A few bits of gas escape from my joints, some pressure is relieved; a sigh.

I take another deep breath.  Look at my options.

Living with other people is just not for me, I suppose.  I think I just have terrible taste in room mates.

Or maybe it's just me.


As I said last post, I have a boyfriend again.

I'm seeing how this goes.  Slowly.

Breathing.

Looking for an apartment.

Let's just try it.

I've misplaced myself
Through time and space
No one could make this
Giant abrasion

Tearing into heaven
Screaming 'it's a weapon'

Mass destruction paranoia
Underneath the chlorine euphoria

You'll keep breathing after this commercial break

Oh for fuck's sake.

You'll see a flashing light
Once all is bleak
You'll inhale the musk of the cedar peaks

You'll taste abborisions and feel the ghouls

And wonder why you're swimming in a pool of dead children

All rotten from too much exposure

When the media gets there it's

'At least they get closure'

From this world, to the next world

Are we bigger parasites there?

Or just on the scale of things.

It's three thirty in the morning.
It's dark, I have a headache and my heart aches too.
I can't really tell where the keys are, and I'm not sure I mind it. I've had a couple of drinks (well, more shots if we're getting technical) which I nursed after a cigarette at around two.

Tonight wasn't eventful- I was (supposed) to "hang out" with Alex and do whatever, or go out with Bryan and get drunk - neither plan ended up turning out and all I can really do is shrug and wonder if I should pick up a second job.
Where would I put it? That's my main concern - but six in one hand- right?

After work I went to Alex's felt my heart break some, and pretty much decided to give up the goat.
He's done some changing, I'll admit - but I forsee it being the same relationship with a few adjustments.
All give, give, give. And he tries; in his own way he really does. But I'm too jealous, and I'm too needy, and I'm too good for this treatment. I'm too tired to talk and I know he is too.
I'm too tired to try something new and make it right this time - and I know he is too.

I'm afraid to be alone, but it doesn't mean I won't go it alone if I have to. If it's not the best for me- I'll wait.

That's maturity.

Alcohol clouds - and even if it wasn't much (just some Jack mixed with some Amaretto- YUM) it factors in with my not feeling well.

Down to my last nine dollars. I had to bring myself to bum ten dollars off of Alex which I have to pay back this next paycheck - but since overdraft fees are the equivalent of rape- I've been tight, to say the least.

I got accepted to Stark State College. I still don't know what I want to do. I thought I wanted to be a nurse, and maybe that's where I'll start - but can we really see me injecting people with -needles-? I mean.. :shudder: I can take a tattoo or piercing as well as the next girl, but hell if I'm going to treat snake bites all swollen with pus and venom and covered in necrotic tissue ... ick.

Going to Sara's birthday party tomorrow. She's gonna "get me trashed" and heck - it might do me some good to let loose with a bunch of strangers - that way if I make an ass of myself, who the fuck cares!?

That guy that I have a work crush on is driving me there (because of my lack of gas) he's underage, and Sara said if he brought me, I could act like his I.D. and he would be welcome to partake in the festivities xD

I don't know how I'm paying for college - I don't know what I'm going to do about Alex - I don't know if I'm going to move in with Heidi and her mom- especially since any time I ask if I can go over there to see Little she says she "won't be home" and lastly I don't know what I'm wearing to the party.

But I'm going to get as cleaned up as I can- get as sexy as my body will let me and my confidence will allow-

I'm going to forget about Alex. How I'm going to pay for school. I'm going to forget about how I like this guy and forget about Heidi.

I'm not going to worry about the thousands of "other things" that I worry about.

I'm going to get drunk, dance sloppily, probably vomit, and talk way too loud, way too much.

I'm going to be obnoxious, annoying, and crude.

Everyone will love me when I give them a reason to ;)

[out.]

Disclaimer: On August 23rd, 2009 I wrote a letter to no one. This letter, for all intents and purposes was really just to serve as a marking point in my journey of "self discovery" and should only be viewed as a historical document, if at all.

Without further adieu, my "letter"
___________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm not single anymore.

I don't know if I like it or not. I'm sitting here, at four in the morning, analyzing my so-called "love life". Again.

I don't know what possesses me in the first place to even examine such an aspect of my adult life so closely as I do. To wonder if it is more important than the more important things in my life.

Like.. School, for example. School would be a much better topic to worry over than whether or not I have a beef with being "taken" again. In fact, if I could control what I thought to such a degree that I -told- myself what a good topic would be and actually listen to myself, I would. Alas, I'm too clever for myself and will never listen to me beyond what I think on the current topic that is being "assessed" in my head.

My heart doesn't even mind if he's there or not. I'm not even very physically attracted to him, being as he reminds me as the bastard love child of Nick, Chris, and Chris.

Weird.

And I think the only reason I said yes to him was because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for hurting the people that could have been the best for me. Well - Aside from Lawrence - I feel that this will be my redemption for doing the evils I have done unto them.

But really, I think I've only done the greatest evil onto myself, because they're all happily in whatever state of relationshipal bliss they're in, and here I am struggling to figure out whether or not I'm dating someone out of guilt.

How messed up is that? That I can even think that?

That I can even believe that?

I know it won't last, I can feel it in every part of myself. I enjoy his company, but I don't really feel a spark with him. I feel hormones, but that's not the same thing. I've felt love, Hell, I've even felt lust, and I just don't feel them coursing through me.

Maybe they're just on simmer? Maybe I'm just silly.

Alex keeps calling me.. Trying to "hang out with me" and no doubt trying to shower me with sweetness in the hopes that I'll see how much he's changed and "try again" with him.

I don't want to try again with him. In all honesty, after what I went through with him and then Donnie- I don't really feel like trying again at all. But I have to.

Don't I?

I don't feel like fooling around - I don't feel like being alone.

I want to be in the middle of a good, lasting relationship. Where we're not necking every second but we're still healthy in our lovemaking. I don't want to put the effort behind it, but I know that to get to that point, I really only have two options -

A) Go back to Alex and act as though nothing has changed.
B) Try again.

I don't want either, but "b" looks like less of a lion's den from where I'm sitting.

I just don't know how to break it to everyone that I'm not.. Single anymore.

I like the attention I get when I am single. Like I have friends. But all of a sudden when I have a someone, I lose my friends.

Does that make them my not friends, and just vultures?

Am I just a carcass to hover around?

That's what it feels like. I'm only good enough when I'm single.
When I can do something for you. Fulfill a need. Enact a desire.

I'm every woman's enemy, and every man's best friend.

I'm the dog.

II had three days off for this weekend.

And I thought, "Hey, maybe I'll chill and do like three things."

Friday: After working a twelve hour shift, I run from work to Heidi's house and take her to the doctor. We get out at maybe 10 - 11 or so (I'm dying on my feet tired xD) and go back to her place. At this point, I pass out around noon and wake around three. Bryan and I are supposed to go out drinking, but he doesn't know if he can now. Heidi's mom comes home - and for a few hours Heidi and I veg out in front of the television, bored.
We look at some apartments and do a few calculations - then Heidi goes to ask her mom if I can move in.

She says yes.

Then we go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner things (nomnom ) and afterward we walk around the mall.
At this point it's almost time for Heidi to skitter off to work, so we go back to her place, she gets ready, and I gather my stuff to go.

Reaching my house I promptly begin to check all pertinent spots of the internets. Finding nothing of interest (Except FOUR AWESOME COMMENTS on my xanga post "Still Running" <3) I then contact Bryan who says he has to raid, so no drinking tonight.

Then (Chaosandtranquility) is all like "Hey, I have this Bonfire going on." And I'm like "Hey, I'll show up" So I did. At like.. 11:45ish.
He walked me from my car to the back, where all his friends were just chillin' and drinking and what have you around the fire.

At first I was shy, and then I let go of my shyness just a little bit to be vulgar. It was fun and awesome :3

Then Pete stood up and started doing quotes from movies. Monty Python was my favorite because he got the voices spot on xD

All his friends kept telling him to go to college for theater, and his friend Nina (was that her name? OMG I'm horrible with names xD) came over and was like "Do you think he's good?" To which I said "Yeah, he's great. He could have fit right into my improv group, back in the day." so she said "You were in an improv group?" It went on much like this, when finally she told me that I should tell him to go to college for theater.

So I did.

After I left the bonfire (Bryan texted me around 1:30-2ish to say he was done, and did I want to hang out?) So I left the fire, and Pete walked me back to my car :3

Bryan and I met at my house, and went to IHOP first. Afterwards, we went to Price Park and swung some and caused a little havoc. But I was getting sleeeeeeeeepy. Really sleepy. I wanted to go home. (damn hot chocolate being all evil and sleepy making) So Bryan started to take me home and as we're starting to pass Oakwood Square he says "Dammit! I wanted to get (insert name here) game!"

So I said "Come on, let's go."

"But you're tired, I can just bring you home."

"No, it's okay, let's just go."

I am fighting to stay awake at this point, mind you. I'm on the verge of sleepydeath. Bryan pulls into the parking lot of the square, and we start towards Wal*Mart. He misses the turn to go there once, twice.. I ask "I thought we were going to the Wal*Mart on 62?" And he says "Yeah, I just missed the turn back there, huh?" And I said yeah. Twice.

So we go the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to the Wal*Mart, instead of just turning around, and I tell Bryan I'm just going to stay in the car.

He responds with "Okay"

We park.
He unbuckles my seatbelt.

I am so tired at this point it doesn't register that he did it. So I say-
"Hey, my seatbelt melted off."

He gets out of the car, walks around it and opens my door. I get where this is going. I do not like it.

He tugs on my legs to pull them around toward the pavement. I put up a pathetic fight, but then accept that he won't allow me to nap in the car. I am wobbly beyond my own belief, stumbling and waving like a reed in the wind.

He pokes me in the shoulder, and I almost topple over.

This, to me, is hilarious. I get loopy when I'm tired enough. Right after grouchy comes silly. After that, don't put me behind the wheel of a car, because I have and will fall asleep.

We go in, and it turns out they don't have the game he wanted, after all. I feel incredibly unhappy at this, and so I tell him I'm going to make him buy me something.

Like a portable hard drive. Or a baby laptop. Or a DS!

I asked him to buy me a DS case (SHYGUY) and he did.

Now I have a slinky and a shyguy DS case. Guess what Iiiiii'm getting for my birthday?


He takes me home, I fall asleep around 5 am.

Saturday, I wake around one / one-thirty. I told Alex he could have me from 2-5:30 whatever he wanted to do.

We went to Borders, McDonalds, the college for about half a second, then I dropped him off at Borders so he could wait for his ride home.

I go home and get ready for the Hungarian festival -


Justin texts me because we're supposed to get together to see a movie. I tell him I can't because we're going to the Hungarian Festival.

We get there (it's a snorefest D: ) And then my friend Mike texts me saying he needs to hear my voice because he had a terrible week - and I say I'm at a festival, but I'll try for a couple minutes.

So I sneak away, call him and it drops the call after TEN MINUTES. He got all his issues out and we were just b/sing (I hate the phone) And it drops the call.

So then he starts texting me being all like "So much for that phone call " And stupid shit like that. WTH.


Dani (my step brother) gets there at about 9:45 p.m. Stays for 15ish minutes, finds me and says - "Did you drive here?"

To which I reply "No."

"Do you want a ride home?"

I could have kissed him, I don't even care. He's hot AND nice.

[ Don't judge me ]

We get home, I get Zim out of my car and load it into the DVD player.

Heidi calls around midnightish asking if I want to come into work. I don't. I won't lie. I work 80 hour weeks and I have just been gifted with three nights off.

Would you want to go in? I didn't think so. Plus, whenever I call her (she works like 20-30 hour weeks) she's like "Oooh, I'm too tired, oh this, oh that." And then she has the gall to ask if I want to work for her.

./Fuckthat.

So my car keys were in my dad's truck, which was still at the festival - had I even wanted to go, I couldn't have.

Alex and I were supposed to get together, but he tells me Sunday would be better. I kinda felt all weekend that he just said he wanted to hang out, but didn't really- so whatever to him.

Rabbit texts me an hour or so after Heidi calls, asking what I'm up to.

I say nothing.

He asks if I want to come over and watch a movie.

I say sure.

I walk over to his house, and see him and Alan smoking in the garage. Alan is 18 and SMASHED. He's grown up a -lot- since I last saw him. All growed up and stuff.

We watched Angels in the Outfield and then some movie that Rabbit chose that we didn't really watch.

I started to fall asleep, and ended up crashing there.

I walk home in the morning, and fall back asleep at my house.

I wake up at like.. 7:40 at night.

I figure Alex is closing the Kiosk, so I will pick him up and we'll chill. It's Sunday, right?

At nine he calls me.

"Hey I don't think you should come over. Tonight's not a good night."

"Why not?"

"Well, I have some stuff to do, and Vince reminded me that I promised to do this thing, and I'm worried about your gas."

"Fuck my gas. I don't have any other plans. I mean, unless you don't want to see me, I don't fukkin' care."

"No, I do! I'll cancel my other plans."

"I don't want to make you do that. What were you planning on?"

"ZS r/p."

"Okay. I'll be over soon."

I pack my laptop, my pj's, my toothbrush, and scrubs for Monday night. Vince, Erin, Sarah, Bill, and I were all there.

We must have played until like.. 4 in the morning. I of course, wasn't tired, but everyone else was. So I went inside, and asked if it was alright if I stayed. Alex said it was fine.

Like ten minutes later, he kicked me out, so he could go to bed.

It was slightly disappointing.

I get back home, texting him all the way, and he decides then to go to bed.

A whole bunch of other silly happened, but whatever.

So that was my weekend..

In an incredibly condensed nutshell.

Dated a boy.
Broke up with a boy.
Haven't tripped.
Looking into college.

Want -need- to learn again.


Think I'm still in love with Alex.

Hate myself for it, I think.

I don't know anything anymore.


I don't feel like I'm even in my body.

I feel like Rachel isn't going to talk to me because of what I did to her "little brother"

I hurt him to save him.

Or maybe just to save me.

I can't pretend I'm ready to be beautiful again.

I can't pretend that I want another boyfriend.

Right now, I just want a friend. It's what I need.

Someone who doesn't want in my pants so bad.

Someone who can listen, have a good time with me.

Someone who can love me just because I'm foolish -

Who I can love just because they're beautiful in every way I see.

Someone who won't abandon me, just because I won't kiss them.

I want to be healthy.

I want the best for myself.

I want to be in love.

But not do a damn thing about it.

Tell me where I can get some of that, please.